i know. i am being SELFISH, un-thoughtful.. and anything bad you can ever imagine.

when my mom messaged me today, telling me to visit my grandmother in the hospital. i just sat at my void deck and cried. i know my grandmother is looking for me. BUT I DON'T WANNA GO VISIT HER! the fear that she'll leave me after i visit her is too great for me to bear.

and today, wesley YM's small group leader, eng lee messaged me too. he asked me to go back to church. i have my own reasons for not going back to church. one of it is that - i don't fit in there. i just feel like im sort of some lost puzzle, which is like maybe somehow torn somewhere or whatsoever.. but when someone tries to put this small piece of the puzzle into the big picture.. it just seriously don't fit.

get what i mean? yea.. and today.. i guess..lots of my neighbours saw me crying at my void deck lahs.. wa lau! i used to like crying at home. but it seems like if i cry at home, my mom will ask alot of questions. so in order not to make her worry, i now choose to stay at the void deck and cry. RIGHTS! there are seriously some limitations to me lahs. there are some things i can take in my stride. and some which i can't and the above problems are just the little things i seriously cant take in my stride. yea. angeline says i seriously have to find the right person to talk to. and she says she's the one! HAHAS!! RIGHTS! heehees.. whatever..xP

but anyways.. i just feel that the march holidays is just the right time for me to take a break, a break away from those guys, jerks, evil creeps..bla bla bla..

yea.. and today.. i did not know why.. but after going to serangoon, i just suddenly went over to sengkang. even when si hao asked me why i went to sengkang. i don't know how to answer. i just went there.. and walked around..walked to loads of places and they reminded me of melchers. HAIS. i know i cannot avoid the fact that he stays at sengkang. but the problem is, i just try too hard sometimes to avoid some things..and it just ends up making me a little more hurt and empty inside. HAIS. maybe i should really go find him someday and talk to him yea?

wo yi zhi dou zai ni shen hou deng dai.